And I Thought I Made Good Pudding

I don't know who this woman is.  I don't know what inspires her, how she does it, or where she finds the time.  I also don't know why she's not 400 lbs.  I do know that I want to live next door to her and have her rig up some sort of apparatus whereby her oven door is connected to a string connected to a bell which sounds throughout my house to alert me that freshly baked goods will be placed on her windowsill momentarily should I choose to meander over.  I would meander over every single time.  I would also lay on the floor next to the oven with my mouth open in hopes of scraps, should the bell system prove too cumbersome.

Please do introduce yourself to Vanilla Sugar blog if you have not already.  Please do strap your drool cup firmly to your chin first.

Better

I'm better now.  I had my moment.  Thank you so much for all the texts and emails and support.  It's amazing what words of wisdom from people I love, lots of sleep, and going for runs can do to restore your sanity.  It will be okay.  I know it.  Thanks for making sure I was sure of that. 

It Has Been a Rough Day

I think I know why I haven't gotten excited about graduation.  It became painfully clear to me around 4:30 today when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted.  It became clear to me when I found myself home from work, alone in my apartment, and on my hands and knees on the floor of my bedroom crying the ugly cry.  It became clear as I finally released all the pent up fear, anxiety and frustration that I've been pretending didn't exist for the past several months.

It's not that I didn't get that job, although that seemed to be the trigger.  It's that I'm finally coming to the end of this path - of school, of this chapter of my life, of my twenties - and I feel no closer to being where I'm supposed to be than when I started.  I'm a lifelong planner and pathmaker without a plan or a path.  I've come to the end of what I can do.  I need God, the universe, whatever, whoever to take it from here.  I have faith that it will happen.  I know it will.  But right now, I feel so lost and confused and scared that today on my bedroom floor, it took my breath away. 

What scares me the most is this overwhelming feeling catching up to me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  This is wrong.  I made a mistake.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and I don't know how to find my way back.  I'm desperate for a job I'm not even sure deep down that I want.  But I need it.  I need it right now as reassurance that it's going to be okay.  To buy me some more time.  To pay the bills and give me some room to breathe.

Today on the bedroom floor I tried to make a conscious effort to let it go.  Give it up.  Let God take it from here.  It will be okay.  I will find the right path.  I just wish I knew which direction to start looking.  I'm really tired.  I wish graduation meant I was done.  But instead I'm not even a little bit close.  And right now I'm a little bit sad. 

Friday

Fridays I work all day at the firm.  Joe usually has to be at work by 7:00 on Fridays, so I can either get dropped off at at the train at 6:45 when I don't have to be at work until 9:00 or I sleep in a little and walk to the train station at a more reasonable hour.  This is a cruel choice - sleep means walking in work clothes with a heavy tote bag, but not walking means less sleep.  It's truly terrible to have to make such a decision, especially at 6:00 am.  This morning, by the time I decided I would get up and go, it was 6:20.  Do I still have time? I yelled.  I'm leaving in 10 minutes, he said.  Decision made, I went back to bed.

7:30 - out of bed

8:29 - train downtown

8:55 - something about the morning didn't feel right.  What could it be?  Oh, I haven't had any....hello, friend!

9:05 - ate breakfast at my desk.  Starbucks oatmeal with brown sugar and nuts, grande bold brew coffee.

1:30 - lunch at my desk.  Takeout salad with carrots, cucumbers, apple, grapes, parmesan, and chicken with a roasted red pepper vinaigrette.  More coffee.

5:30 - train home

6:10 - fittingly, my graduation announcements arrived on the last day of the last week of my regularly scheduled school life

6:40 - Joey greeted me with hot, homemade pizza

I'm going to eat, pack, and then head to New York to celebrate the 2nd birthday of a certain adorable cousin of mine.  Tomorrow I will be helping his mama make 40 cupcakes for a bunch of fellow 2-year-olds.  I'm kind of excited!

That's it.  Last week of classes is a wrap.

Thursday

On Thursdays, I have three classes, but it feels like an easy day because for the longest time it was the only day of the week I didn't have to go to work.  It's also my last school day of the week because I don't have classes on Fridays.  My friend Ashleigh is in my last class on Thursdays and at the end of every class I say I'll see her on Tuesday, the next time we have a class together.  Today I said, "See you....oh, right...um....see you."  Weird.  No more classes on Tuesday anymore ever.  Here's Thursday:

7:40 - alarm goes off.

8:00 - out of bed.  I don't have class until 11:00 but Joe had to be at work by 9:00 so the plan was for him to drop me off at school on his way.  (Have I mentioned we've been sharing a car since he moved in?  Another story for another day.)  But I had a wicked stomachache this morning so after I put in my contacts and brushed my teeth, I curled up on the couch in the fetal position while Joe took a shower.  I decided not to head to school quite yet, so Joe went on without me.  I texted Ashleigh and asked her to kindly pick me up when she headed to class, took some medicine and went back to bed.

10:00 - out of bed do over.  Such a crap morning.  I noticed a stray hair on my upper lip so I grapped Joe's razor to address it and in my rush, took a chunk of my lip with it.  It would not stop bleeding and I was in a hurry, so I tried to stop the bleeding with one hand while putting my make-up on with the other.  Then I couldn't find my student ID anywhere.  I needed coffee.  Brewed it.  Realized Joe had finished the last of the half & half.  Lip finally stopped bleeding but was all red and scabby.  Pretty. 

11:00 - Cyberlaw

12:40 - Normally I would have another Business Organizations class but it was cancelled today because the professor had to be out of town.  So headed to the law school cafeteria for a working lunch.  Tuna salad sandwich and French Onion Sun Chips.

1:00 - Coffee.  Finally.  It deserves its own mention.



2:40 - Comparative Law

4:00 - Library for some work

5:15 - Had to go to a meeting to get the appropriate software downloaded on my laptop so I can take my finals on it.  That's what I had to have my student ID for - finally found it in a random pocket of my bag.

6:00 - Home.  Debated going to the gym.  Remembered it closed at 7:00 today because of the upcoming holiday weekend.  Opted out.  Tired.

6:40 - Ran some errands with Joe

8:00 - cooked dinner.  Tacos.  I simmer black beans in a little beef broth with garlic, jalapeno, cilantro, shallots, a little tomato paste, cumin, cayenne, red pepper flake and lime.  Saute onion, jalapeno, cilantro, lime zest and corn in another pan.  Then make homemade guacamole (avocado, lime, salt, cayenne, minced shallot, jalapeno, cilantro - mash).  Pile it on toasted corn tortillas and top with salsa.  Easy, satisfying and delicious.



The rest of the evening spent TV watching.  The day was just kind of eh.  I haven't gotten much sleep this week, so I'm kind of sleepy and cranky.  Last full week of classes over.  I've mentioned it before this week, but I really feel nothing about this.  It's the weirdest thing.  I just am completely neutral about it.  I've been trying to force some kind of feeling about it this week, but I got nothing.  Maybe when finals are over?

Wednesday

Wednesdays suck.  It is my longest day of the week.  Once I get through Wednesday, the rest of the week feels like gravy.  I work at the firm all morning and then have about 4 hours of classes.  I spend my train time getting downtown and back on Tuesdays and Wednesdays doing as much reading for classes as I can.  The first car of every train is a Quiet Ride car on weekdays and it is my best friend.  Here's Wednesday:

6:45 - this is bullshit. 

                                       

7:17 - out of bed.  Whirlwind getting ready session follows.  Way too early to make a hot breakfast so throw some banana, almonds, peanut butter and grapes into some tupperware for later.  There is always time for coffee.  Thank the good Lord for travel mugs.

8:03 - train downtown

8:40 - eat my tupperware breakfast at my desk

1:00 - eat takeout lunch at my desk.  Salad with cucumber, broccoli, grapes, carrot, parmesan, and salmon with a roasted red pepper vinaigrette.

1:45 - train to school.  Read for my Comparative Law class.  Realized I was doing my very last assigned reading of law school.  Holy cow wow. 

2:40 - class - Comparative Law.  Normally I would have about a 45 minute break after this class and then have two hours of Poverty Law, but our professor cancelled class due to the Jewish holiday this week so I was free by 4:00.  I intended to go to the library and get some pre-finals work done, but then I realized I could go home and watch Oprah.

4:00 - Oprah.  She only has 25 episodes left.  I am more emotional about this than graduation.  And yes, I did immediately donate $25 to Invisible Children following the show as she requested.  Here's the link.  I'm not suggesting you should do the same.  If you want to defy Oprah, God, and your own humanity and also think being a child soldier is a valuable experience that instills discipline then I guess not donating is also a valid choice. 

5:30 - Joe was hungry so we had an early dinner.  He made brown rice and sauteed chicken, mushroom, broccoli and onion in a yellow curry sauce.  So yum.  He's been off from work the last two days and my tummy is quite happy about it. 

6:40 - no gym today.  It was uncharacteristically 80 degrees and sunny today so we headed to a nearby trail for a walk/sprint/jog session.  Quite easily the highlight of my day.  That's not even sarcastic.


Whew.  We just made it.



Can I tell you how pretty this is in fall?  SO pretty.



Look how fast I am!



Please Stay On Trail.  His utter disregard for authority makes me quiver.

8:00 - shower

8:30 - began an extended evening of TV watching and snacking on grapes and lime popsicle.  I had no idea I ate so many grapes in the course of a day.  This tracking my days is a very valuable exercise in learning about one's self.

Tuesday

So my official last day of classes is actually next Monday, so I do still have another Monday of school left.  But this was the last Tuesday of school ever.  Even as I live it, take pictures throughout the day, and try to experience and appreciate my last week, it still very much does not feel like the last week of school ever.  It's very strange, not sure what's up with that.  Here's Tuesday:

9:00 - alarm goes off

9:37 - out of bed

10:00 - breakfast.  Today Joey made me wheat farina with almonds and grapes with a hard boiled egg on the side.  I specifically requested this the night before.  He did not note if he found this combination odd.

11:00 - first class of the day - Cyberlaw.  I got called on to discuss a case for what is probably the last time ever.  I'm okay with that.

12:40 - second class - Business Organizations.  My Pawpaw's picture has been on my desktop since the first day of school.  He wanted me to go law school but passed away my senior year of college.  He has come with me every day.

1:45 - waiting for the train to take me downtown for work at the firm

2:15 - grabbed lunch - Shanghai chicken salad from Cosi. 

6:09 - train home

7:14 - gym.  Today it was 25 minutes on the elliptical, weights for back and shoulders, and then 15 power high level minutes on the stairmaster.  I died. 

8:30 - shower

8:45 - Joe made homemade, from scratch pizza with whole wheat dough, part-skim mozzarella, mushrooms, black olives, red onion, and artichoke hearts.  Delicious.

Today is also my best friend's birthday.  Now she knows that her birthday present from her sweet husband is a trip here in about 3 weeks so we can see each other before they make their big move to France.  Yay!  

Monday

Ever since I quit working at the store, I heart Mondays.  I only have one class and it doesn't start until 12:40 which provides ample luxurious morning time.  I'm out by 2:30 and the rest of the day is mine.  It's pretty glorious.  I bring you Monday of the last week of classes:

10:45(!) - out of bed

11:00 - the highlight of every morning.  Dark Magic (because it is both) coffee brewed by my Keurig, otherwise known as the best investment I ever made, with organic agave nectar and half & half.

11:15 - my view from the couch of Joe preparing breakfast while I sit and sip

11:30 - breakfast delivered to my lap.  Scrambled eggs with freshly chopped chives, mushroom and onion, a side of freshly diced new potatoes browned in olive oil and whole wheat toast.  I think I'm going to keep him.

(Side note: another reason I'm going to keep him: yesterday my phone got wet in my gym bag as a result of a leaky water bottle.  It was in horrendous condition and my house was filled with the sounds of my cursing.  I couldn't turn it off, it was randomly calling people, I couldn't access the camera, the screen would randomly go completely green, etc.  I tried using a hair dryer but nothing I did worked.  Joe took it from me, took off the back cover, took out the battery and Sim card, and buried the phone in rice.  Took it out the next morning and it's good as new.  Apparently, a magic trick for wet phones (see step 8) that has a pretty good chance of working for you too, should you ever need it.)

12:40 - two hours of Business Organizations.  More coffee comes with in a travel mug.

3:00 - gym.  Today was 42 minutes (because 40 seemed too short but 45 seemed harsh) on the elliptical followed by weights concentrating on bi's and tri's.

4:00 - Home for a quick shower and lunch (tabouli salad and a banana with peanut butter).

5:00 - Library.  Finals are only a week and a half away after all.  I resist buying my third cup of coffee for the day. 

10:00 - Home.  Very late dinner of left-over lentil soup made yesterday accompanied by TV watching before bed.



The Last Time: Last Week of Classes

Tomorrow kicks off my last week of classes.  Ever.  Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited to graduate.  I try to answer as expected, but really, truly?  Not so much.  When I graduated undergrad, I had no idea what I wanted to do and didn't have anything lined up once I finished my post-graduation summer internship.  I remember being frustrated and scared and disappointed.  My path had been clear my whole life and now I didn't know what to do next.  Nothing excited me and I didn't feel properly prepared for anything.  Plus, now for the first time I had the need to make money and support myself hanging over my head. 

Law school had been in the back of my mind for as long as I could remember but I wasn't sure about it.  I took a job at a law firm so I could be around lawyers and see what it was like before I committed.  Almost two years to the day later, I started my first day at law school.  Ultimately, what appealed to me was that I would be on a clear path once it was all said and done.  There are so many things you can do with a law degree, but a JD at least narrows down the options a bit.  I knew I would be on a good, solid path that I would actually be prepared for and that I would have the tools to make a good living.

Now I'm finally on the eve of realizing all of that.  Except it still seems really far away.  I still don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm supposed to be career-wise.  I'm trying to keep my shit together, but as graduation gets closer and I'm stressed about my last set of finals, and all the projects at work, and the fact that my apartment is a pig sty, and that money is tight with no known relief coming yet, and etc. etc. etc., it is difficult to get it up for the big day. 

But today during a brief moment of clarity, I realized that I will never have this moment in this time in this place again.  My last week of classes.  I started preschool at about 3 and excepting that two year break after undergrad, school has been my life for these 27 years.  I likely will not pass this way again.  So this week, to ensure I am in the moment and also to preserve this time in my life for when I'm ready to look back on it a little more fondly, I am going to try to capture each day of this week here.  And I'm going to try to enjoy it. 

Krystena

That is how the lady at Starbucks spelled my name on my grande soy toffee nut latte.  Major points for creativity, but really lady, what are the odds?

This Gives Me A Giggle

The whole thing is gold, but my favorite bit starts at 5:15.

23

me:  What's your password?

Joe:  xxxxxxx23

me: Awwwww!  Your password ends in 23 for my birthday!  That's so cute!

Joe: No, it's Don Mattingly's number.

...

me:  You really couldn't just let me have that one?

Looking Forward

I ordered my graduation announcements yesterday.  Also, did you know it is April?  Graduation is 46 days away.  My first final is in 25 days.  I am typing this without cursing out loud.  That is quite impressive.  I quit my job at the store half-officially, meaning that I will no longer be on the schedule, but if the manager is desperate for someone to cover a shift, she can still call me and see if I can cover.  Luckily, working two jobs feverishly for the last 3 1/2 months means I think I have saved enough money to get me through a summer of studying for the bar exam without working.  I hope so. 

This past weekend was the first time I've had an entire weekend off in I don't know how long and I spent it in a charming pre-war apartment in Queens being hosted by an equally charming Italian gentleman who prepared dinner and brunch feasts in honor of our slumber party.  I'm very fortunate to have a very tight group of college buddies who make it a point to get together every couple of months or so for slumber parties and tons of food and maybe a drink or two.  Being reminded regularly that you are adored by people you likewise adore is always worth the trip. 

There is a blissful 15 day window approaching during which I will be done with finals but not yet graduated.  Fifteen days of wide open days with nothing I have to do and nowhere I have to be.  I intend to get there.  Then maybe I will have something to discuss other than Joe, being busy, and things related.  Let's all look forward to that.

Pros and Cons

Pro:  The other day, when my brain had stopped functioning and I could not take school and responsibilities and note-taking and job worrying and work doing for another second, a text to an out-of-work-early Joe resulted in my being immediately picked up, hugged, delivered to a bar at 2:30 in the afternoon where a beer and a French Dip sandwich were placed in front of me as we watched the Yankees home opener while my last class of the day went on without me.  It's nice to have someone to take a life break with.

Con:  Later the same day, he called for me.  Asked for nail clippers.  I brought them.  He proceeded to flip over and attempt to remove the dead skin from the bottom of his feet.  That is disgusting.  Must you do that on my bed?  Our bed, he reminded me.  Yes, fine, but I think we can both agree that is my side.  Also, I found one of his discarded socks in my school tote bag.  The likely result of his taking it off and throwing it from the couch without looking where it lands.  Then when we do laundry and he has 18 partner-less socks, he seems confused.  Where do they go?  They're in my bag.