Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It Has Been a Rough Day

I think I know why I haven't gotten excited about graduation.  It became painfully clear to me around 4:30 today when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted.  It became clear to me when I found myself home from work, alone in my apartment, and on my hands and knees on the floor of my bedroom crying the ugly cry.  It became clear as I finally released all the pent up fear, anxiety and frustration that I've been pretending didn't exist for the past several months.

It's not that I didn't get that job, although that seemed to be the trigger.  It's that I'm finally coming to the end of this path - of school, of this chapter of my life, of my twenties - and I feel no closer to being where I'm supposed to be than when I started.  I'm a lifelong planner and pathmaker without a plan or a path.  I've come to the end of what I can do.  I need God, the universe, whatever, whoever to take it from here.  I have faith that it will happen.  I know it will.  But right now, I feel so lost and confused and scared that today on my bedroom floor, it took my breath away. 

What scares me the most is this overwhelming feeling catching up to me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  This is wrong.  I made a mistake.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and I don't know how to find my way back.  I'm desperate for a job I'm not even sure deep down that I want.  But I need it.  I need it right now as reassurance that it's going to be okay.  To buy me some more time.  To pay the bills and give me some room to breathe.

Today on the bedroom floor I tried to make a conscious effort to let it go.  Give it up.  Let God take it from here.  It will be okay.  I will find the right path.  I just wish I knew which direction to start looking.  I'm really tired.  I wish graduation meant I was done.  But instead I'm not even a little bit close.  And right now I'm a little bit sad. 


chickster said...

sweetheart things will pick up and a job that's just right for you will come along! "man plans and god laughs", things will work out