Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Coming Attractions
I owe you some new posts. Don't let me forget. Among the topics I need to write about: my birthday, how excited I am to go to San Diego to visit Sheridan, potential New Year's resolutions, some new items to be put on my Life List since I was informed by a good friend, one Miss Lauren Whitney, that my current list "sucks" - that's what friends are for - to make sure your life will be more awesome than you originally planned. So that's it. To be written. Any day now.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Strangely, I Was More Scared AFTER I Read It
On occasion, I have been known to meander on over to AskMen.com to, you know, see what the boys are up to. I don't want to spoil it for you but here's what they're up to: thinking about sex, hot chicks, video games and then there's some other stuff but it doesnt seem to take up much room.
My favorite article of the day? Things That Scare Her in Bed. Among them are, apparently, choking her, unexpected anal play, extreme sex props, and psycho dirty talk. Also included is trying new things we haven't done before. But to curb our fears, they suggest men simply ask us, "Have you tried [insert intimidating act here] before?" I gotta tell you, whatever the intimidating act you plan to insert here is, kind of makes a really big difference as to whether we'll be any less scared just cause you asked so nicely.
Oh also, don't choke us. And, um, I don't think fears of anal play will be subdued any by it being expected rather than unexpected. In fact, if I know it's coming, well, I'm probably 10 times more terrified. Further, just the phrase "extreme sex props" alone scares the bejeezus out of me. What constitutues an extreme sex prop? I worry that our ideas of "extreme" might be very different. I don't know about you, but my mind immediately goes to battery operated tongs. Or anything with an engine. Or anything that starts with the question, "Have you tried [insert extreme sex prop here] before?" Lastly, psycho dirty talk? I really don't know what to tell you. I try to veer away from anything termed "psycho" while I'm naked. Just as a general rule.
Oh, men. Ironically, what I find most terrifying of all is that some of you had to be told this. "Dude, I tried unexpected anal play last night and my girl freaked! I did not see that coming!"
But sometimes they do give pretty good advice. Ahem. Joe. Maybe you read this.
My favorite article of the day? Things That Scare Her in Bed. Among them are, apparently, choking her, unexpected anal play, extreme sex props, and psycho dirty talk. Also included is trying new things we haven't done before. But to curb our fears, they suggest men simply ask us, "Have you tried [insert intimidating act here] before?" I gotta tell you, whatever the intimidating act you plan to insert here is, kind of makes a really big difference as to whether we'll be any less scared just cause you asked so nicely.
Oh also, don't choke us. And, um, I don't think fears of anal play will be subdued any by it being expected rather than unexpected. In fact, if I know it's coming, well, I'm probably 10 times more terrified. Further, just the phrase "extreme sex props" alone scares the bejeezus out of me. What constitutues an extreme sex prop? I worry that our ideas of "extreme" might be very different. I don't know about you, but my mind immediately goes to battery operated tongs. Or anything with an engine. Or anything that starts with the question, "Have you tried [insert extreme sex prop here] before?" Lastly, psycho dirty talk? I really don't know what to tell you. I try to veer away from anything termed "psycho" while I'm naked. Just as a general rule.
Oh, men. Ironically, what I find most terrifying of all is that some of you had to be told this. "Dude, I tried unexpected anal play last night and my girl freaked! I did not see that coming!"
But sometimes they do give pretty good advice. Ahem. Joe. Maybe you read this.
Good Lord, Show Me the Way
I saw the movie O Brother Where Art Thou? when it first came out in the theater and loved it. Largely because of the music. This song came on the other day when I was studying at Starbucks, which seems like a very odd Starbucks selection, but it was what I needed to hear. This song calms me. I just love the simpleness and beauty of it and no matter what or who you believe in, it reminds me that this is all we need ask, just to be shown the way. And maybe the ability to know it when we see it.
(See? It's not always about me.)
(See? It's not always about me.)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Death Trap
Traditionally, this is the time of the year I pull the electric blanket down from my closet shelf, plug it in, set it on high, and snuggle under it, while in the back of my mind praying I don't die from electrocution. There seems something so wrong with wrapping yourself in a cloak of electricity. And truly I'm probably overreacting and precautions have been taken by the manufacturer and the amount of electricity coursing around my body is actually very small and there's little to no risk. But since I just found out my beloved Equal packets that I use everyday to sweeten my coffee, tea, and just about everything, are probably killing me, I'm on a bit of a high alert. (WHY, Equal? We were such good friends! I thought it was just Sweet 'n' Low that was bad! Oh, and Splenda is also killing you slowly for those all high and mighty about the Splenda. Sigh.)
So I'm very careful about the electric blanket usage and I only use it when I'm freezing or just cannot get my feet warm enough to be able to sleep, which this time of year is pretty much every night. I lay it out under my comforter and top sheet, set it on high, and then pull the covers back over it about 30 minutes before I go to bed. Then, when I crawl into bed it's all toasty warm and I bask in the warmness for a bit before turning it off and unplugging it, so as to eliminate the risk of being electrocuted or set on fire in my sleep, because that just seems like it would be highly unpleasant. I thought I was being very careful and smart. Until the last two mornings when I have somehow managed to wake up with the electrical cord wrapped several times around either my torso or some appendage. I suppose from tossing and turning in my sleep, the blanket gets tossed around and somehow the cord manages to try to kill me.
So basically, what I'm trying to say, is my electric blanket has turned python and death is probably imminent. I read the warning very carefully and there's nothing on it about strangulation. Fools. What's a girl gotta do to stay warm AND alive in this weather? It seems so unfair to have to choose only one.
So I'm very careful about the electric blanket usage and I only use it when I'm freezing or just cannot get my feet warm enough to be able to sleep, which this time of year is pretty much every night. I lay it out under my comforter and top sheet, set it on high, and then pull the covers back over it about 30 minutes before I go to bed. Then, when I crawl into bed it's all toasty warm and I bask in the warmness for a bit before turning it off and unplugging it, so as to eliminate the risk of being electrocuted or set on fire in my sleep, because that just seems like it would be highly unpleasant. I thought I was being very careful and smart. Until the last two mornings when I have somehow managed to wake up with the electrical cord wrapped several times around either my torso or some appendage. I suppose from tossing and turning in my sleep, the blanket gets tossed around and somehow the cord manages to try to kill me.
So basically, what I'm trying to say, is my electric blanket has turned python and death is probably imminent. I read the warning very carefully and there's nothing on it about strangulation. Fools. What's a girl gotta do to stay warm AND alive in this weather? It seems so unfair to have to choose only one.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thought for the Day That Has Nothing to Do with Law School or my Constitutional Law Final on Monday
I know better than to answer the phone when a 1-800 number is calling. But then curiosity always gets the best of me. What if it's important? What if I won something? What if this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and if I don't answer they'll call the next person on the list and I'll have missed out and I'll never know it? What if I won money? I need money! I should answer it. This call could change my life. And you know something? I'm always, always wrong.
P.S. - I know I should be studying but my cell phone just vibrated and it was a 1-800 number and I couldn't answer because I was in the library and I felt very strongly that I would be sorry for not answering but turns out it was just Citibank and they want to tell me something about my credit card and that seems important because they never call and someone is probably stealing my identity at this very moment so I'm going to go call them back now. See? Should have answered. Also should be studying. But that's neither here nor there.
P.P.S. - Turns out it was just Citibank wanting to tell me they're decreasing my credit limit on one of my credit cards. You know because they already jacked my interest rate up on one to 15% and then jacked the interest rate on the other to 30% and apparently I didn't bend over far enough the first two times, so now they're decreasing my credit line for no good reason, which will decrease my available credit to debt ratio and thereby further hurt my credit, despite the fact that I've never missed a payment or gone over the limits on any card I've ever had EVER! And you know why? Because they can. Once I've paid off my credit card debt, I will never have another card through Citibank. I am SO done with them. Oh, and once I pay off my student loans. Which are also through Citibank. But mark my words, in about 30 years, they are going to be sorry!
In the meantime, Citibank, this one goes out to you and your lovely executives, because it just feels right:
Oh and hey: You're welcome for the bailout! Merry fucking Christmas!
P.S. - I know I should be studying but my cell phone just vibrated and it was a 1-800 number and I couldn't answer because I was in the library and I felt very strongly that I would be sorry for not answering but turns out it was just Citibank and they want to tell me something about my credit card and that seems important because they never call and someone is probably stealing my identity at this very moment so I'm going to go call them back now. See? Should have answered. Also should be studying. But that's neither here nor there.
P.P.S. - Turns out it was just Citibank wanting to tell me they're decreasing my credit limit on one of my credit cards. You know because they already jacked my interest rate up on one to 15% and then jacked the interest rate on the other to 30% and apparently I didn't bend over far enough the first two times, so now they're decreasing my credit line for no good reason, which will decrease my available credit to debt ratio and thereby further hurt my credit, despite the fact that I've never missed a payment or gone over the limits on any card I've ever had EVER! And you know why? Because they can. Once I've paid off my credit card debt, I will never have another card through Citibank. I am SO done with them. Oh, and once I pay off my student loans. Which are also through Citibank. But mark my words, in about 30 years, they are going to be sorry!
In the meantime, Citibank, this one goes out to you and your lovely executives, because it just feels right:
Oh and hey: You're welcome for the bailout! Merry fucking Christmas!
Heehee
Some days I think I might like to give it all up just to get to be the person who writes the New York Post headlines, like this gem regarding Tiger taking an indefinite break from golf:
Aw, geez, that's a good one. Bless his cheating, scandalous heart.
OKAY, seriously! Back to studying...
Aw, geez, that's a good one. Bless his cheating, scandalous heart.
OKAY, seriously! Back to studying...
My Tips for Studying for Finals With a Cameo by Oprah!
I should be studying for finals right now, but instead I am going to bring you my tips to studying for finals. Later, we'll discuss the meaning of the word "irony." Also: "procrastination."
1) Drink lots and lots and lots of coffee. This is the best part of finals. All the coffee. Take advantage.
2) Study somewhere nowhere near a window. This way you will lose all sense of time. Losing all sense of time, day and night, and how long you've been in the library is the key to staying sane. There's nothing sadder than gazing out the window at a brisk, sunny winter day or a lovely sunset while you have a thick textbook open in front of you. Don't do that to yourself. Also, staying away from windows decreases the possibility that you will jump out of one.
3) Don't drive down the street in the middle of the day on a sunny Saturday. There will be people walking around, happily going in and out of shops, smiling. Some will be humming. Christmas lights are up, things are merry. Observing this will make you bitter.
4) Go to the gym when good TV is on. You don't have time to watch TV during finals, but you shouldn't neglect your health (theoretically). If you go to the gym during primetime or, let's say Oprah, you don't have to feel guilty for watching. In fact, you're doing a good thing. This has increased my gym time exponentially. Hello, 60 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, Oprah. (Note: bring a back-up magazine for the days when all the TVs are on ESPN or local news. Hello, 30 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, O Magazine.) (Oh, hell. Let's just admit it. I watch Oprah and read O during the commercials. And not just during finals.)
5) Lastly, try to study somewhere you don't have internet access. Otherwise, you'll end up checking your email 74 times, seeing if there's anything good at Banana Republic, also there's that random thing you heard about 4 months ago you never looked up and now would be a good time, and oh hey, I wonder what Perez Hilton is up to, and also I haven't checked my email in 5 minutes, and whoops, now would be a good time for a blog post...
Okay, back to studying. Follow the above tips and you're sure to be a B-student in no time. You're welcome.
1) Drink lots and lots and lots of coffee. This is the best part of finals. All the coffee. Take advantage.
2) Study somewhere nowhere near a window. This way you will lose all sense of time. Losing all sense of time, day and night, and how long you've been in the library is the key to staying sane. There's nothing sadder than gazing out the window at a brisk, sunny winter day or a lovely sunset while you have a thick textbook open in front of you. Don't do that to yourself. Also, staying away from windows decreases the possibility that you will jump out of one.
3) Don't drive down the street in the middle of the day on a sunny Saturday. There will be people walking around, happily going in and out of shops, smiling. Some will be humming. Christmas lights are up, things are merry. Observing this will make you bitter.
4) Go to the gym when good TV is on. You don't have time to watch TV during finals, but you shouldn't neglect your health (theoretically). If you go to the gym during primetime or, let's say Oprah, you don't have to feel guilty for watching. In fact, you're doing a good thing. This has increased my gym time exponentially. Hello, 60 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, Oprah. (Note: bring a back-up magazine for the days when all the TVs are on ESPN or local news. Hello, 30 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, O Magazine.) (Oh, hell. Let's just admit it. I watch Oprah and read O during the commercials. And not just during finals.)
5) Lastly, try to study somewhere you don't have internet access. Otherwise, you'll end up checking your email 74 times, seeing if there's anything good at Banana Republic, also there's that random thing you heard about 4 months ago you never looked up and now would be a good time, and oh hey, I wonder what Perez Hilton is up to, and also I haven't checked my email in 5 minutes, and whoops, now would be a good time for a blog post...
Okay, back to studying. Follow the above tips and you're sure to be a B-student in no time. You're welcome.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Holiday/Birthday Gift Guide...For Me
This is the time of year when everyone comes out with their gift guides, to help others shop for others. But since this is my blog, I shall present a gift guide with a twist: My Gift Guide to Help Others Shop for ME. It kind of reminds me of the time in 8th grade when I threw a birthday party for myself and made a list of every person invited and then next to their name wrote a gift I wanted. Then when anyone asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I just whipped out the list and told them what gift they had been assigned. Some called that a sign of selfish conceit; I called it practical. Twelve years later and I still think my organization skills and thinking ahead were severely underappreciated.
Anyway, my birthday is December 23rd and Christmas is two days later, so this is the only time of year I get to cash in, and as anyone who has a birthday near Christmas knows, you still get seriously short-changed. People try to get you one gift and pass it off as counting for both occasions, a serious faux pas. Or give you your birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. Dude, my birthday is a separate occasion. If you did that in July, it would just be tacky. Or people let the birthday slide altogether since they're caught up in holiday merriment and short on cash, it being the holidays and all. I'm very aware of the problem and I am sensitive to it, which is why I advise buying my birthday gifts in June. A little planning ahead and you won't have those problems, people.
But despite the above two paragraphs of entitlement, I am actually not counting on gifts this year, mainly because I too am broke and have little to give that costs any actual money. So this list is definitely a WISH list, and is not to be taken seriously in any way whatsoever. Just a little fun. Here goes:
1. Listography Journal: Your Life in Lists (this book was made for me)
2. Sex & the City DVDs, seasons 1 & 2 (the collection is almost complete)
3. Will & Grace DVDs, seasons 1-6 (my favorite sitcom ever)
4. Mad About You DVDs, any season (second most favorite sitcom ever)
5. Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake sign to hang in the kitchen (Don't mind if I do...)
6. All You Need is Love wooden sign to hang anywhere
7. Kate Spade Bowrama Stevie bag in black
8. Kate Spade Gramercy Park Stevie bag in black
9. Kate Spade Lady Marmalade hoops
10. Kate Spade Single Ball Earrings in Colorado
11. Julia's Kitchen Wisdom by Julia Child
12. Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child (2 volume set)
13. Any of Ina Garten's cookbooks
14. Any cookbooks, really. I want to start collecting them.
15. Wusthof Classic Chef's Knife
16. Williams-Sonoma 10 piece glass bowl set (so practical, and inexpensive!)
17. Le Creuset Round Dutch Oven in Dune (A dream item. One day...)
18. Kiehl's Creme de Corp Lotion
19. Clocky (The alarm clock that rolls off the table and hides when it goes off, forcing you to get out of bed and find it to make it stop. This could change my life.)
20. Gift certificates:
Starbucks
Williams-Sonoma
Target
Trader Joe's
DSW
Barnes & Noble
21. And when all else fails...cash
What's on your lists?
Anyway, my birthday is December 23rd and Christmas is two days later, so this is the only time of year I get to cash in, and as anyone who has a birthday near Christmas knows, you still get seriously short-changed. People try to get you one gift and pass it off as counting for both occasions, a serious faux pas. Or give you your birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. Dude, my birthday is a separate occasion. If you did that in July, it would just be tacky. Or people let the birthday slide altogether since they're caught up in holiday merriment and short on cash, it being the holidays and all. I'm very aware of the problem and I am sensitive to it, which is why I advise buying my birthday gifts in June. A little planning ahead and you won't have those problems, people.
But despite the above two paragraphs of entitlement, I am actually not counting on gifts this year, mainly because I too am broke and have little to give that costs any actual money. So this list is definitely a WISH list, and is not to be taken seriously in any way whatsoever. Just a little fun. Here goes:
1. Listography Journal: Your Life in Lists (this book was made for me)
2. Sex & the City DVDs, seasons 1 & 2 (the collection is almost complete)
3. Will & Grace DVDs, seasons 1-6 (my favorite sitcom ever)
4. Mad About You DVDs, any season (second most favorite sitcom ever)
5. Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake sign to hang in the kitchen (Don't mind if I do...)
6. All You Need is Love wooden sign to hang anywhere
7. Kate Spade Bowrama Stevie bag in black
8. Kate Spade Gramercy Park Stevie bag in black
9. Kate Spade Lady Marmalade hoops
10. Kate Spade Single Ball Earrings in Colorado
11. Julia's Kitchen Wisdom by Julia Child
12. Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child (2 volume set)
13. Any of Ina Garten's cookbooks
14. Any cookbooks, really. I want to start collecting them.
15. Wusthof Classic Chef's Knife
16. Williams-Sonoma 10 piece glass bowl set (so practical, and inexpensive!)
17. Le Creuset Round Dutch Oven in Dune (A dream item. One day...)
18. Kiehl's Creme de Corp Lotion
19. Clocky (The alarm clock that rolls off the table and hides when it goes off, forcing you to get out of bed and find it to make it stop. This could change my life.)
20. Gift certificates:
Starbucks
Williams-Sonoma
Target
Trader Joe's
DSW
Barnes & Noble
21. And when all else fails...cash
What's on your lists?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Resistance is Futile
So apparently when Joe has been saying for the past 8 years he didn't want a pedicure, he meant it. Huh. He backed out at the last minute. Words were exchanged. There was a tussle. A bit of a row. Pedicures were not had. That boy is stubborn. Dude totally missed out. I am sad for him. Sad that he will never know the joy of soaking your feet in hot, bubbly, lavender scented water, being exfoliated, and having your feet, legs and shoulders massaged while resting comfortably in a huge massaging recliner. But mostly, mostly I am sad that he doesn't trust and follow me blindly. Such defiance never leads to good.
So the fight. Here were my well thought out and logical arguments:
"You stand all day at work and complain about your feet and back hurting. This is something I think you will really enjoy. Plus it's something that I really enjoy and I would enjoy it all the more if I can share it with you. Also, I always try to go out of my way to think of things you'll like and things we can do together that will be fun for both of us, and this is one of the few things I have ever asked you to do that is outside your comfort zone and I'm only asking you to do it because I really, really think you'll like it. Further, I try to take an interest in your interests (baseball, poker, computer nonsense, etc.) so even if you really don't think you'll like doing it (although you're wrong), it wouldn't kill you to do this one thing with me, for me. Plenty of guys get pedicures. It doesn't mean anything. It's fun. A little pampering. Plus YOU'LL LIKE IT. I PROMISE. Also, you supposedly love me and this will make me happy. If you don't do it, I'll cry. Hard. Just do it. Do it. Do it. Do it."
His arguments:
"Guys don't get pedicures. I'm a guy. The end."
Shockingly, I didn't throw anything at him. But my resolve and conviction have strengthened enormously. And I've been working out. So next time, if my brilliant logic and continual articulation of my brilliant logic doesn't work, I can overpower him, strap him into the padded, plush giant recliner, hold his feet down in the gently bubbling lavender water and FORCE HIM TO RELAX. And then he'll thank me. I will be right. And all will be right in our worlds again. Amen.
So the fight. Here were my well thought out and logical arguments:
"You stand all day at work and complain about your feet and back hurting. This is something I think you will really enjoy. Plus it's something that I really enjoy and I would enjoy it all the more if I can share it with you. Also, I always try to go out of my way to think of things you'll like and things we can do together that will be fun for both of us, and this is one of the few things I have ever asked you to do that is outside your comfort zone and I'm only asking you to do it because I really, really think you'll like it. Further, I try to take an interest in your interests (baseball, poker, computer nonsense, etc.) so even if you really don't think you'll like doing it (although you're wrong), it wouldn't kill you to do this one thing with me, for me. Plenty of guys get pedicures. It doesn't mean anything. It's fun. A little pampering. Plus YOU'LL LIKE IT. I PROMISE. Also, you supposedly love me and this will make me happy. If you don't do it, I'll cry. Hard. Just do it. Do it. Do it. Do it."
His arguments:
"Guys don't get pedicures. I'm a guy. The end."
Shockingly, I didn't throw anything at him. But my resolve and conviction have strengthened enormously. And I've been working out. So next time, if my brilliant logic and continual articulation of my brilliant logic doesn't work, I can overpower him, strap him into the padded, plush giant recliner, hold his feet down in the gently bubbling lavender water and FORCE HIM TO RELAX. And then he'll thank me. I will be right. And all will be right in our worlds again. Amen.
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