My Tips for Studying for Finals With a Cameo by Oprah!

I should be studying for finals right now, but instead I am going to bring you my tips to studying for finals. Later, we'll discuss the meaning of the word "irony." Also: "procrastination."

1) Drink lots and lots and lots of coffee. This is the best part of finals. All the coffee. Take advantage.

2) Study somewhere nowhere near a window. This way you will lose all sense of time. Losing all sense of time, day and night, and how long you've been in the library is the key to staying sane. There's nothing sadder than gazing out the window at a brisk, sunny winter day or a lovely sunset while you have a thick textbook open in front of you. Don't do that to yourself. Also, staying away from windows decreases the possibility that you will jump out of one.

3) Don't drive down the street in the middle of the day on a sunny Saturday. There will be people walking around, happily going in and out of shops, smiling. Some will be humming. Christmas lights are up, things are merry. Observing this will make you bitter.

4) Go to the gym when good TV is on. You don't have time to watch TV during finals, but you shouldn't neglect your health (theoretically). If you go to the gym during primetime or, let's say Oprah, you don't have to feel guilty for watching. In fact, you're doing a good thing. This has increased my gym time exponentially. Hello, 60 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, Oprah. (Note: bring a back-up magazine for the days when all the TVs are on ESPN or local news. Hello, 30 minutes on the elliptical. Hello, O Magazine.) (Oh, hell. Let's just admit it. I watch Oprah and read O during the commercials. And not just during finals.)

5) Lastly, try to study somewhere you don't have internet access. Otherwise, you'll end up checking your email 74 times, seeing if there's anything good at Banana Republic, also there's that random thing you heard about 4 months ago you never looked up and now would be a good time, and oh hey, I wonder what Perez Hilton is up to, and also I haven't checked my email in 5 minutes, and whoops, now would be a good time for a blog post...

Okay, back to studying. Follow the above tips and you're sure to be a B-student in no time. You're welcome.