Wednesday, December 14, 2011

This Is All Really About the Cat

On Saturday, I woke up and saw frost.  That was fun.  Then the day went downhill.  By downhill, I mean the day took a flying belly flop off a mile-high cliff into a shallow pool of sewage. 

It started off fine.  We slept in, made breakfast, and prepared ourselves for a fun-filled day of errand running, Christmas shopping, and general merrymaking, unaware of the clusterfluff of poop soon to befall us.

Before I go any further, it should be known that I blame Joe.  Historically, I have had amazingly good luck in life in general, which I have enjoyed greatly and for which I demonstrate my gratitude by offering up baskets of freshly-picked spring strawberries at my local altar twice annually.  Though sometimes I am kept up at night worrying about my good luck and when it will run out, because inevitably the universe has to make things even, and if the universe had ever responded verbally to my concerns, it would have said DECEMBER 10, 2011 IS THE DAY IT ENDS and I would not have left the house. Now, Joe, on the other hand, has enjoyed tremendously bad luck his entire life, with the exception of July 1, 2001, the day he met me of course, and if you ask him, he will say the same thing, because we have gone over it.  I have often wondered how my extreme good luck and his extreme bad luck would manifest itself in our life as a couple, and now I know. 

We went to Trader Joe's.  We went to the farmer's market.  We filled the trunk with groceries.  We drove to a stationery store where I made a return.  I did not purchase any additional items.  I was very proud of myself.  We went to Starbucks.  I got an eggnog latte.  It was delicious. 

We walked back to the car.  We got in the car.  I inserted the key into the key hole.  I turned it.  Every indicator light on the dashboard blinked wildly.  There was a distinct and repetitive clicking noise.  That was all.  I turned the key again.  Same thing.  Except this time, the clicking sounded like cackling.  Clicking and cackling are deceptively similar when the universe is making things even.  Since I could actually see the dealership across the commuter rail tracks from our parking spot, I called.  Closed.  I called my dad, who informed me that since AAA and he have differing opinions about whether his latest payment was received, our AAA service is currently inactive.  Where are your jumper cables, Joe asked.  I don't have jumper cables.  You don't have jumper cables?  No!  But even had I had jumper cables, JOE, it would not have mattered because we eventually ruled out the battery since the lights, radio and indicator lights still worked.  More importantly, I did not have jumper cables because I have never before needed them, since before Joe moved in I had never had car trouble, which I think we can all agree is a coincidence too great to ignore.  It's as if the universe had planned the whole thing to create a perfect storm of suck it.

I called my old boss from my working retail days because her shop is in the same shopping center where we were parked.  She offered to come get us and drive us and our trunk full of groceries home.  This was complete luck, which I assume was some sort of oversight. 

When we got home, we realized we were missing one bag.  The bag filled with fish and scallops.  The fish and scallops we had bought from the fish vendor at the farmer's market because tilapia and bay scallops were on special.  The fish and scallops that were now going to fill my car with fishiness and scallopness, curing us of ever wanting to eat fish or scallops again.  It just happened to be the stinkiest of all our bags.  Well played, universe. 

I made peace with this.  There was nothing we could do.  I opened the mail.  Our electric bill went up $8 as compared to last month and I chose then to flip my ever-loving shit .  My car won't start and it is filling up with fish stink and it is probably going to cost a bajillion dollars to fix it and then it will still smell like fish and I will have to return all the Christmas presents I have ever bought and I have to live with a cat and now the electric bill is up 8 motherfucking dollars!?!  I believed this all to be Joe's fault and I shared this with him, gently and calmly in soothing tones.

I went to the bedroom to cool off.  A loud noise and cursing soon interrupted my sulking.  I walked into the kitchen to find a fiance standing in a puddle of glass and just-purchased extra virgin olive oil, which had fallen, busted, and was now seeping into our brand new rug.  Of all the things to fall and break, a completely full bottle of olive oil is just about the worst in terms of its cost per bottle to impossibility to clean ratio.  Joe was sent to the bathroom to attempt to scrub olive oil out of the rug, while I took on the awesome task of cleaning up a giant puddle of glass shard infused oil.

This done, Joe bravely expressed his desire to have scallops for dinner, and his sad feelings over there being no scallops.  I, feeling strongly about my car not smelling of fish, asked a friend if I could borrow his car so we could retrieve Joe's dinner.

Once at the car, on a whim, we tried to start it.  It started right up.  No problem.  Hey, where did you guys go, it said.  I was just kidding about not starting up earlier.  That was funny how I did that.  Remember when I wouldn't start and you guys had to get a nice lady to cart you and a trunk full of groceries home and you were so worried about how much it would cost to fix but regardless you still have to live with a cat?  LOL.

We drove both cars home without incident, even stopping successfully along the way to get a new bottle of olive oil.  We had scallops for dinner.  The status quo was restored.  On Sunday, we completed remaining necessary errands while one of us waited in the running car, since we were afraid to turn it off lest we be stranded again due to poor vehicular sense of humor.

Monday, the car got an apparently much needed new battery (who knew?).  Joe and I did not kill each other all weekend, though threats were exchanged, wherein I made some vague references to his testicles being in danger and he politely let me know what I could do with them. 

So now I have my answer.  This is how good luck and bad luck shall reconcile.  Shitty things will happen, but everything will turn out okay in the end.  This is how the universe will maintain equilibrium.  I guess I can live with that if necessary.  It doesn't really change the fact that I have to live with a cat.


SG said...

Why I love you so much...exhibit A. (please note the use of legal jargon)

d&d said...

i freakin frackin cracked up reading this. you should go into sitcom writing.

Kori said...

Dude, I blame the cat too.

Joe said...

"I believed this all to be Joe's fault and I shared this with him, gently and calmly in soothing tones." gently MY ASS!