Wednesday, August 10, 2011


For the last several days, I've been existing on a very thin plane somewhere between quite content and intensely miserable.  My mood shifts between the two about a 100 times a day.  My brain never stops and I am driving myself crazy.  I'm bored but don't feel like doing anything.  I need to get out of the house but I don't want to spend money. 

It doesn't help that Joe and I have been sharing a car since he moved in, which has always been fine.  Our lives pretty much revolve around a 10 mile radius and our schedules have been pretty flexible, so sharing a car has been a great way to save money and hasn't been a big deal.  Right now though it's making me feel trapped.  He goes to work every day and I'm stuck.  I have nowhere to go and nowhere to be, but I'm getting to the point that I hate being in this apartment.  I feel disgusting, I haven't felt sunshine in days, the walls are closing in, my sleep schedule is completely out of whack.  But even given the opportunity, there's nothing I really feel like doing.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I got out of the shower yesterday and the idea of putting sweatpants on again almost brought me to tears. 

While all that is weighing me down, I'm simultaneously very grateful that we have the money from the sale of Joe's condo tucked away and I don't have to worry about not being able to pay the rent or paying bills for the foreseeable future, even if I can't find a job.  Joe has got it covered.  I'm enjoying the gift of time free of demands and deadlines and tests.  It's nice not to feel obligated, to be able to sleep in, and to spend the day cooking. 

I've been hustling the last week, contacting every person in my network to let them know I'm back on the job market.  "Please keep me in mind..."  If you are a lawyer or you know a lawyer or you once exchanged pleasantries with a lawyer on public transportation, I am your new best friend.  Who do you know, what can I do, have I told you how charming I've always found you...?  I have two part-time jobs lined up that are available until I find something permanent and have an interview next week for a full-time, albeit temporary, position (it would only last through next March). 

My brain is also whirring with what else I can do.  Is all this some cosmic message that I need to be exploring other options?  What would make me happy?  What else is possible?  I have an inkling I know the answer.  Big ideas have to start slowly, though.  It takes time and energy and effort. 

Right now I'm feeling a bit burned out and am motivated solely by the pressing need to make money.  The grace period on my student loans is up in November.  I need to be able to start making those payments when that due date arrives.  I will avoid deferring no matter what it takes.  The idea of that interest expanding while I defer payment indefinitely terrifies me.  It's not an option. 

It's a clusterfuck of emotion up in here.  I'm not sure of which direction to go.  Right now, the plan is to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and see what sticks.  First one to make me a job offer wins!  You want me to do what?  Why, that's what I've always wanted to do!  What a coincidence. 

Right now, I'd settle for just having a reason to pluck my eyebrows.  Other than sheer decency. 


Kelsey said...

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way :-( But don't give up hope. Seriously. You worked too hard in law school to be thrown off track my one bit of bad news. You will find a job, and you'll be great at it. In the mean time, one thing you can do that will get you out of the house for free is... running. Yes, I said it. Russell and I just signed up for the inaugural Rock N' Roll DC 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles) in March 2012. You can SO accomplish that. Training is tough, but you absolutely can do it, and you'll be so proud of yourself when you do! You and Joe could come down, stay with us, we'll pasta it up the night before, and celebrate with many brewskis after. At the very least, it will put those sweats to good use and get you out of the house. Think about it! Hope you're doing alright,

Anonymous said...

re: student advice is to start making those payments now, with whatever little money you've got lying around or start to get trickling in from your part time jobs. Even if it's only a couple hundred dollars here and there, come November you may find that you've paid a few months of loan payments already.

In any case, good luck!

Christina said...

Thanks for the advice! Definitely something to think about.

Kelsey - The marathon training thing sounds totally awesome, except for the running part. Though I am totally up for the D.C., pasta, and beer part! I've tried, tried, tried to make myself a runner before and it is just not my thing. Happy to cheer you and Russell on when you're here in September though!