Studying Sucks And Other Things I've Learned in Law School

Two finals down, three to go. I have decided to try an experiment: does studying result in higher grades? I know what you're thinking: this is a pointless experiment, you're wasting your time, studying obviously results in higher grades. However, since I am in law school, I know that overwhelming evidence pointing to a decided fact is not always enough to convince a jury. And in this case, the jury is me and the verdict is still out. (Don't you love how I incorporate legal stuff into my humor? That doesn't make me insufferable at all!)

For my previous two exams, I actually reviewed materials at least two days prior to the exam and studied with friends the day before. Before my first exam, I even had a friend over here from 11:00 am until 10:00 pm and we reivewed every single case and every single topic brought up during the semester. I didn't even watch Oprah or Ellen or Dancing with the Stars. The effort on my part was monumental. Monumental. I'm not convinced the sacrifice on my part was worth it, quite frankly. Yesterday, I had friends over again and we studied until midnight on the exam I had today. I again missed Ellen and Oprah but, horrifyingly, I also missed America's Next Top Model. I know! But don't worry, friends. Luckily, the CW replays ANTM on Friday nights.

Anyway, the point of the story is I am making an effort. It might be very, very begrudgingly but effort is effort and I should get credit. We'll see how grades come out. Last semester, all I really did was cram right before the test. In the interest of full disclosure, last semester I made A-'s and B's and one unfortunate C+. In the interest of completely full disclosure, I made the C+ on an open book exam. How does one get their lowest grade on an open book exam, you ask? I would very much like to know the answer to that myself.

All Hail Princess Buttercup

I haven’t decided yet how anonymous I’m going to keep things on this blog. I’m still feeling it out. One of the advantages to keeping things at least somewhat anonymous is asking friends what they want their nicknames to be. For instance, my roomie strangely and without explanation requested “Sparkles,” which cracks us up every time I mention it.

More recently, another friend requested to be called Princess Buttercup and then had the audacity to ask for a shout-out. This is it, Princess. I still prefer the nickname for you that I suggested, but since you kindly reminded me that my “crass language is unbecoming of a Southern lady,” I shan’t repeat it. For those of you who know my friends, this is the one who drinks Diet Coke like it’s about to be discontinued. She also cannot hum but is quite a proficient giggler.

Update: I would like to say thank you to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock for the latest ridiculous nickname request. Yeah, so far, I am defintely leaning towards no on keeping things anonymous.

Men vs. Rabbits: The Battle Rages On

I need this book:

But am much more intrigued by this book:

One Down, Two To Go (Alternatively, Vodka, Vodka, Vodka...Vodka)

Today was the last day of my first year of law school. To celebrate we did a shot after each last class. Doing shots periodically throughout the day really makes you rethink why you go through most other days sober. It seems so, so silly.

I think of all the ways I've grown and changed, and of all the lessons I've learned this year about the world and myself, it is my strong unconditional love of vodka which will most sustain me.

Now I have to go crawl in a hole and hibernate, reappearing only for my five upcoming finals. Oh just kidding, I'll probably procrastinate terribly and shamefully cram before each test. Such is my way.

Thank You, Captain Obvious

"Hi, yes, I'd like to place an order for delivery."

"What would you like?"

"I would like a vegetarian pizza with pepperoni."

"Okay, so one vegetarian pizza and one pepperoni."

"No, no, just one vegetarian pizza but with pepperoni."

"What?"

"I want all the toppings on the vegetarian pizza but with pepperoni also."

"So you don't want a vegetarian pizza?"

"Yes I do, just with pepperoni."

"So a vegetarian pizza with pepperoni."

"Yes, exactly."

"Are you a vegetarian?"

"Huh?"

"Because if we put pepperoni on it, it won't be vegetarian."

[Long pause] "Um, yeah, that's okay."

"It'll probably be about an hour."

"I'm not surprised."

Laziness Pays

I have a friend who is becoming very frustrated by my minimal effort. He comes to class appearing tired and over-worked while I have the healthy and luminous glow of the well-rested and stress-free. There is a very good reason for this and it is called laziness. While others are studying, I'm watching TV or getting a manicure or going to New York or spending some quality time with my roomie, Sparkles. I just don't stress over school the way others do and I never have. I do just fine despite this and that seems to make others angry. I get it, I'm sorry, but what can I do? Certainly not study, that would be silly.

So the other day when he was complaining yet again about my nonchalant attitude after again asking me what I did last night and again hearing me reply, "watched tv," I made the mistake of saying "and I'll probably still get a higher GPA than you this semester." To which he responded, "care to make it interesting?" Oooh, yes. I like interesting. And I like winning.

Nutty for Coconut

I LOVE coconut. That's the first thing you should know about me. There is nothing better than coconut. Coconut flavored anything. Coconut and chocolate? Delicious. Coconut and and rum? Fantastic. Coconut and shrimp? Sublime. Is anything on the planet more diverse and wondrous than coconut? The answer is no. So imagine how close I came to pooping my pants when I discovered this:

I get to have the magnificent taste of coconut on my lips all day long. This is fricken-fracken fantastic! My life is considerably better now. I just thought you should know.

Also, while we're discussing flavors. I like bananas but do NOT like banana flavored anything. I also like raisins but do NOT like raisins added to anything, especially not in cookies. Raisins do not belong in cookies. Chocolate chips belong in cookies. Make a note.

And lastly, fruit does not belong in desserts. You are ruining my chocolate cake by insulting it with the presence of any kind of fruit or fruit-like product. Do not do this. Also, fruit by itself is not a dessert. Sorry. To call fruit a dessert or to consider fruit a dessert is to insult me and everything for which I stand.

These are the kind of hot button issues I plan to address with this blog. You're welcome, society.

Is There an App for That?

Recently I was out at a bar with a group of friends. Inevitably, the conversation turned to porn. One of the guys fervently expressed his penchant for Asian girls. Then, in case we weren’t convinced, he pulled out his cell phone to show us precisely which Asian porn star is his favorite. He had porn. On his phone. I have so many questions. Starting with: Dude, seriously?

Is this a new trend I don’t know about? Do all guys have porn on their phones now? I’m all for technology and convenience, but when would porn on your phone be practical? In line at the bank? No problem, perfect time from some porn multi-tasking. Stuck on the commuter train? Porn will occupy my time. Only surrounded by girls in real life who are disappointingly fully clothed and not licking anything? I have the solution!

I mean, who was the first guy who thought to himself, "you know, I love me some porn, but if only there were some way I could have it always on my person and perhaps have the ability to whip it out at parties in mixed company when I feel the overwhelming urge to prove I really do love Asian women"?

Now I’m suddenly thinking about all the guys in my life who can’t keep their heads out of their phones. I always assumed they were texting or checking email or sports scores. I never in a million years would have guessed you were watching people have unrealistic sex on uncomfortable objects while bending in unnatural ways. While I’m talking to you.

Dude, put your porn away. If you look up, you might see that there are lots of girls all around you. And if you make proper eye contact and try really hard not to be creepy, a small percentage might actually sleep with you. In real life. But no, not there. And no, we can't bend like that.

Faux Naughty

I grocery shop exclusively at Trader Joe's and the farmer's market so it has been months since I have stepped foot into a regular grocery store. I wandered into one yesterday because it was right next to the Homegoods where I went for new pillowcases (I got the pillowcases plus dish towels and new drinking glasses for under $20! I tell ya, there's no high like a good bargain.)

Anyway, I had forgotten how overwhelmed with choices one is at the regular grocery store. There are so many new and wondrous products I have been missing out on! Did you know they make 100 calorie packs of Oreo cakesters? Or Vanilla Coke ZERO? Or Arizona Pomegranate Ice Tea individual drink packets? These items have little to few calories which makes them nutritious and good for you. I'm pretty sure that's how it works. And another plus is indulging in such items makes you feel naughty even though you're really not. Kind of like wearing a 100% cotton thong.

Blowfish Me

The blowfish tea set. Just when you thought life couldn't get any better. Tea meet classy. Oh. The possibilities. Purchase your own here.

Kids These Days...

On Oprah today were two fourteen year olds discussing why they thought they were ready to have sex. They were flanked on either side by their respective mothers while Oprah and a sex therapist questioned them about why they think they're ready, do they know how to use a condom, what if you get pregnant, etc., etc. I kept thinking about myself at fourteen and that made it difficult to watch because, had that been me, I would have died. The second I was asked on national television if I'd ever performed oral sex on anyone else because if so I need to be tested for STDs, I would have turned such a bright shade of red that my face would have exploded. And I would never have been able to look at my mother again. Or go back to school ever again. Or be naked ever again.

On the one hand, I guess it's good that at fourteen you're open and honest enough to have such a discussion, but on the other hand, when the hell did fourteen year olds become so comfortable with sex that they can just talk about it like it's no big deal with no blushing or stammering or embarassment?

I firmly believe fourteen year old girls should still be so innocent that they giggle uncomfortably every time they hear the word "penis." The same way a certain 28 year old man I know still giggles every time he hears the word "balls" or "poop." (I won't name names, but it starts with a J, there's an O in the middle and it ends with an E.)

I suppose this makes me a prude but c'mon, sex at 14? That's just too young, way too young. And yes, I realize I've just gone on a rant about "kids these days" and yes, I too, am horrified by everything that means about my hipness level. So please excuse me now because I have to go put up my feet, drape an afghan over my legs and watch my stories.

Update: Shortly after this post was written I left my house with what I assumed was my cell phone in my left hand. Turns out it was the remote control. Apparently, I am aging rapidly.

Your Mother's a Whore

It is no secret that I have been seriously busting my ass to get in shape, which often makes me irritable, moody and unpleasant. However, I have decided that hot is a more important trait than amiable so I'm okay with the swap. The last 6 weeks though I have fallen off the wagon due to either having visitors or going to New York for various family things every weekend. I know this and the situation will soon be rectified. Since God thinks he's funny, today he sent a little messenger to remind me to go back to the gym. Someone actually said to me today, "I thought you were trying to lose weight." As in, you're not losing weight, you look like shit, you should get on that. My response? Yeah, I'm working on it, just a little distracted the last 6 weeks with a lot going on, but, hey, thanks for your concern. Oh, and also, fuck you. Now please excuse me because I have to go eat a Reese's peanut butter cup. Wrapped in bacon. Dipped in chocolate milk. With a dollop of whipped cream on top. While I talk crudely about your mother behind her back.

Joey love

Joe left today after spending three days with me which is the longest amount of time we've spent together since we broke up. This break-up has been really, really hard but I think we're in a good place now where we can let go of all the things that had gotten so bad towards the end because the pressure is off. There are no more obligations or fears about hurting each other. Breaking up might have been the most genius move we ever made actually. For instance, I know he came down here to see me this weekend because he just wanted to and because he missed me, and it feels really good to know those were the reasons. When we're together now, we know it's because we just like to be together and that's it. No one is obligated or is forcing themself to make an effort, which is what it felt like when things were bad. Maybe that's the secret to being in a happy, effortless relationship - stay broken up. Although I couldn't help but ask this weekend if even though we're not getting back together, could we still have a wedding? I just really want to wear that damn dress!

Spreading the Gospel of Carnie, One Reader at a Time

Mondays always remind me that law school is hard and very often not fun. I get through it by turning to my mentor and yours, Carnie Wilson, and the rest of the crew from Wilson Phillips, who generously gave the world the gift that is "Hold On." Below are the lyrics along with my thought process throughout. If I can help just one person by sharing this, then this blog will have served its purpose:

I know this pain You do?
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? I really don’t know
No one can change your life except for you But it’s so much work
Don't ever let anyone step all over you Those bitches
Just open your heart and your mind Seems unncessary
Is it really fair to feel this way inside? Not really, no
Someday somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye Sounds ominous
Until then, baby, are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? Who are these people?
Don't you know? Know what?
Don't you know things can change? I did not
Things'll go your way I’m not so sure…
If you hold on for one more day I can’t
Can you hold on for one more day? It’s too far away
Things'll go your way You sure?
Hold on for one more day But…
You could sustain I could?
Or are you comfortable with the pain? Well no
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness But I have this list…
You got yourself into your own mess That’s harsh
Lettin' your worries pass you by But they comfort me
Don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind? Well when you put it that way…

I know that there is pain Maybe you do
But you hold on for one more day and break free from the chains They’re so heavy!
Yeah I know that there is pain Oh, Carnie, you so get me
But you hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the chains Sing it Carnie!
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye Screw those guys!
Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? No, damn them!
Don't you know? Know what?
Don't you know things can change Oh, right
Things'll go your way They will go my way!
If you hold on for one more day, yeah, if you hold on Preach Carnie!
Don't you know things can change? I do! I really do!
Things'll go your way I believe!
If you hold on for one more day, if you hold on Hold on!
Can you hold on? YES!!
Hold on baby, hold on I WILL! God! Thank you Carnie Wilson!

And that’s how I get through law school, day by day, and with the support and love of Carnie & Co. Amen.

Happiness is a Little Asian Man

I do not have any money. I am living entirely off student loans. But every week I spend $15, including tip, on a manicure. I do not care about having meticulous nails as much as this habit might suggest. Previous to this point, I got pedicures about once every two months and hardly ever got manicures. But then I discovered heaven only 3 miles from my house. The manicures are average but then, while I'm drying, an elderly Asian man comes over, says hello, and places his hands on my shoulders. And I immediately feel my entire body melt. And then he starts massaging and it's like someone has finally come along who knows exactly what I need, exactly what I've always been looking for, and exactly what I need to sustain me through another week. I am not kidding, it's that good. So good that I have to fight the urge to moan outloud or remove my top and ask him to do my lower back. For a brief time, I close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if I turned around and asked this little elderly Asian man to run away with me. Because I NEED him in my life. Then though I realize he likely isn't that attractive naked and we don't speak the same language and it probably wouldn't work out. The point though is that once a week for approximately 5 minutes my brain slows down, my shoulders relax and my logical, rational brain lets go. For that, $15/week seems like a bargain.

Sparkles

No school today. I stayed in bed until 4:00 pm. That makes me happy. And also guilty. But mostly happy. There was brief interuption at 5:30 am when I got up to drive my roomie to the train station so she could go home for Easter. We had a lovely conversation yesterday wherein we decided that her name for purposes of this blog will be Sparkles. That was her suggestion. Not sure what it says about her. But she answered rather quickly as if she had been hoping for quite some time that someone would ask her what her name should be in an anonymous situation and had decided long ago that should that situation arise Sparkles it would be. I do love that girl.

Second Thoughts

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so upfront about my quest for money. It makes the whole thing smack of insincerity. Also, I did some more research and found that thos bloggers who are raking it in have been doing this for years and years and years. So clearly this will take time, effort and persistance. That's a lot more than I anticipated going into a Plan D. So, I suppose I shall just blog for me, which I understand is the best reason to do anything. We'll see. And this will be fun to look back on months or years from now just to see what was going on with me. With that in mind, I should remind myself that I skipped class this morning and slept in instead which seems to have become an increasingly frequent habit. In a few weeks when I am studying for finals and just not getting it, I would like to take the opportunity to tell myself now I told you so.

The Debut

I have decided to blog. Because I am a strong, confident young woman with a point of view? Yes, well, it wasn't so much that as I heard recently that blogs can actually be lucrative if you get lots of readers and then lots of advertisers. So this has now become Plan D of my life plans on how to fund the life I imagine for myself. Don't worry, I have a Plan A. It's called law school. And it's going swimmingly. Plans B and C have yet to develop, but I'm very eagerly awaiting their arrival into my head. I shall keep you updated.