Is There an App for That?

Recently I was out at a bar with a group of friends. Inevitably, the conversation turned to porn. One of the guys fervently expressed his penchant for Asian girls. Then, in case we weren’t convinced, he pulled out his cell phone to show us precisely which Asian porn star is his favorite. He had porn. On his phone. I have so many questions. Starting with: Dude, seriously?

Is this a new trend I don’t know about? Do all guys have porn on their phones now? I’m all for technology and convenience, but when would porn on your phone be practical? In line at the bank? No problem, perfect time from some porn multi-tasking. Stuck on the commuter train? Porn will occupy my time. Only surrounded by girls in real life who are disappointingly fully clothed and not licking anything? I have the solution!

I mean, who was the first guy who thought to himself, "you know, I love me some porn, but if only there were some way I could have it always on my person and perhaps have the ability to whip it out at parties in mixed company when I feel the overwhelming urge to prove I really do love Asian women"?

Now I’m suddenly thinking about all the guys in my life who can’t keep their heads out of their phones. I always assumed they were texting or checking email or sports scores. I never in a million years would have guessed you were watching people have unrealistic sex on uncomfortable objects while bending in unnatural ways. While I’m talking to you.

Dude, put your porn away. If you look up, you might see that there are lots of girls all around you. And if you make proper eye contact and try really hard not to be creepy, a small percentage might actually sleep with you. In real life. But no, not there. And no, we can't bend like that.