Monday, December 16, 2013

Nice. Real Nice.

There's something about the holidays that makes people forget how to conduct themselves in a parking lot.  As a result, I do 95% of my shopping online.  More than once in my life I have been tempted to leave a pointed, anonymous note dripping with disapproval on someone's windshield.  I have never done it.  I'm chicken.  Though do rest assured I have recited to myself exactly what I would have written on many a drive home, and well, it would have had quite the impact let me tell you.
Last weekend, Joe and I were patiently waiting with our blinker on for a minivan to pull out of a spot when a Jeep Cherokee slowly approached from the opposite direction.  Based on the direction the minivan was pulling out, the Jeep was going to have access to the spot before us.  And based on how the Jeep had just whipped around the corner and was not so subtly creeping up, I knew the asshole was going to whip into the spot as soon as he had his chance. 
"He's going to steal our spot.  Don't get mad."
"Honestly, Joe, it's not worth it.  He's totally going to do it.  Let it go."
As soon as he had the chance, the Jeep whipped in and as soon as he did it, my husband kept driving, letting it go.
"You told me not to get mad and let it go.  I let it go."
"We should have stared him down at least!  I can't believe you let him get away with it!"
"You told me to let it go!"
Even though I knew it was going to happen, and even though I know a parking lot confrontation is never worth it, I still wanted there to be some sort of consequence.  Some sort of yeah we see you and we know what you are and you are going to rot in a special corner of hell reserved for holiday parking lot rule breakers, you sorry bastard. 
When we finally found a spot, I walked past the Jeep on our way into the mall and took a picture of the license plate.  For...I don't know what.  I went to high school with a girl who used to call 911 and falsely report people for drunk driving when they pissed her off on the road.  That is totally wrong and inappropriate and a horrible use of taxpayer money and emergency resources and I have never done it, would never do it.  But I bet it felt really, really good.
It's a week later and I'm still pissed.  Karma.  I hope it's a nasty bitch.
In the meantime, I'm thinking about these cheeky cards.  Finally a way to say you're an asshole in a way that is both classy and sarcastic, which are two of my favorite ways to do things.
Later that night, Joe revealed that the whole parking incident had been his fault.
"I went through a toll booth yesterday and the driver in front of me paid for me..."
"Don't tell me you didn't pay it forward..."
"I didn't pay it forward."
"It happened so fast.  I didn't have time to even think.  I would have had to break a five!"
"What if it was a chain?  What if 75 people in front of you had paid for the person behind them and they were on pace to set a world record of kindness and you're the asshole who broke the chain?"
"I know, I know.  I've been thinking about it ever since." 


SG said...

Even though it's implied, I would prefer if the cards said "Nice parking, asshole" so there is no confusion.

Christina said...

I suppose you could write in an appropriate name based on the egregiousness of the act. Perhaps there should be some printed options and you could check the box.