Tuesday, September 15, 2009

You Have One New Voice Message

My mother is very, very terrible at leaving voicemails. For starters, she has the annoying habit of calling me from noisy locations where I cannot make out a word she is saying and this location is very often her car or her living room because she doesn't feel the need to turn down the radio or the TV so I might actually be able to hear a single word she is saying or actually be able to hold the phone to my ear while listening without wincing from the volume.

It is not unusual for me to get messages like this and before you accuse me of it, you should know I am not even exaggerating a little bit:

"Hey Chris, I was just driving down Central and thinking about you. The weather is so gorgeous today and I was wondering what it's like up there. Are the leaves changing yet? Probably not. It's about 77 degrees today, the sun is shining, there's a nice breeze, it's just so nice. Yesterday was gorgeous too. It's so nice that it's not so hot anymore. What's it like up there? Your brother is doing well. You'd be really proud of him. I'm on my way home right now. I just left work. I worked out today. It's going really well. How's school going? Hold on, the guy next to me is being a jerk. [Pause. Pause. Pause.] Okay, well, I'm getting another call so I guess I'll let you go. Call me back if you want, you don't have to, I have nothing important to tell you. I love you. [Pause. Pause. Pause.] OH! Hey! Let me know what you want to do about Christmas."

All this while talk radio is blasting in the background and I'm holding the phone an inch away from my ear waiting for the point.

Other times I get this:

My mother talking to her receptionist in the background: "I don't know where it is. [Pause.] You can just give it to me tomorrow. [Pause.] Did he come back? [Pause.] No way! Huh. [Pause.] Oh, Christy. Call me. Bye."

I know by now to keep listening because she didn't dial my number by mistake. She's multi-tasking and she'll get around to remembering she called me in a minute.

My all-time favorite message she has ever left me came two days ago. It went, and I kid you not, like this:

"WHERE ARE MY KEYS? [Pause. Pause. Pause.] Christy, hey, I was just wondering if you want to go, I think the tickets from Philadelphia are only like $200 so not too bad, it would be the weekend of the 24th, to go to Milwaukee or Madison, either one, if you want, you don't have to, so yeah, that's it, let me know."

I called her back and left a message of my own that went like this: "Hi, yeah, um, as a general note and for future reference, when you invite someone to WISCONSIN for a weekend, you should also include in that message why the hell anyone would want to go to Wisconsin! Okay, love you, bye."

So this has all been a roundabout way of making the point that these loving complaints will no longer fall on deaf ears because my mom now reads this blog. Welcome, Mom! Please note the above. Also, I love you!