Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Public Service Message

There's this radio commercial that's been playing constantly lately.  It advises guys of the availability of the "perfect" Valentine's Day gift.  The gift that every woman wants.  She will love you if you buy this.  You'll probably get some if you buy it.  It's a rose.  Dipped in 24 karat gold. 

I don't make a habit of making myself the spokesperson for all women because it's a very presumptuous thing to do, but in this rare case I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say, hi, we don't want that.  We have never wanted that.  Do not buy that.  Ever. 

Think it through, boys.  What the hell would we do with that?  Put it in a vase?  Put it on display?  You just gave us a 24 karat dust collector. 

This strikes me as such a man thing to come up with (respectfully).  She wants flowers.  She wants jewelry.  Is there some way to make that simpler?  And could I preferably get it at one store?  Is there some way I could appear romantic and thoughtful while in reality putting no thought into this whatsoever?  A rose dipped in 24 karat gold is the obvious solution.

I think the intention is that your man buys you one every year until you have a 24 karat gold rose bouquet.  That you have to keep.  Forever.  Ladies, to get a full bouquet will take 12 years.  It's like you broke a mirror so now you get 12 years of gold roses.

Fresh flowers.  Breakfast in bed.  Maybe jewelry if you know what your girl likes.  They're classics for a reason.  Or hell, let's just eat dinner with the TV off.  And then, if you really want to kick it up a notch, try kissing us for more than 30 seconds without groping anything.  Now that's romance.  It really can be that easy.

(While we're on the topic, a quick note:  there is not a single woman on the planet who has thought to herself MY GOD YES! as a result of an unsolicited boob grab.  Not a single one.  Okay, I lied.  There are maybe two.  But none of the rest of us are friends with them.  And they're both taken.  (No. You didn't get one.))

Also?  We don't want stuffed animals either.  We're adults.  Thank you.


Kelsey said...

Haha! Love this! No, I don't want a rose dipped in gold, and AN UNSOLICITED BOOB GRAB IS NOT SEXY! In fact, it's kind of annoying. That's heading in the opposite direction of where you want to go, gents, FYI.

chickster said...

oh my god, I want that 30seconds+ kiss with no strings attached!!