Monday, May 31, 2010


Last week, I had to drive out to a federal building in the middle of nowhere to be ID'd and fingerprinted and photographed so I can have clearance and access for my summer internship.  I'll be working at the Regional Counsel's office for HUD.  The whole time I was there I was thinking that now I can never commit a crime and I'm going to have to be really, really careful not to leave my fingerprints anywhere untoward.  I'm totally in the system now.  I watch Law & Order.  I know how it works.  They find prints and then run them through to see if they get any "hits."  My fingerprints are now totally "hittable." 

To be fair, I do not think this will largely change how I intended to live my life, but it is one more thing I will now have to consider when contemplating life choices.  So what I'm basically saying is, if you were going to, which you probably weren't, but if you were, please don't ask me to help you dispose of that body or steal a car because pursuing that as an option has now been completely ruled out for me.  Though I suppose I could wear gloves.  Hmm.  Ok.  You can call me and give me the details and I'll at least consider it. 

I also had to be photographed for my ID card.  I was told not to smile.  But because I am a woman of this generation, what I immediately thought was, "oh my goodness, this is TOTALLY an opportunity to SMIZE."  Tyra would be so proud.  If you don't know what that is then you have clearly not been paying enough attention to the wisdom and ability to make acronyms of one Ms. Tyra Banks and the joy she spreads on a little show called America's Next Top Model, in which she encourages models to smile with their eyes, i.e. SMIZE (I can't type it without the caps.  I tried.  It's not the same.). 

I might have even announced my intentions to SMIZE to the lady behind the desk.  No response.  She's a government official so I totally understood why she couldn't acknowledge my intent to SMIZE but I could tell she totally got me.  Or she was wondering what the hell I was talking about and/or wondering if the federal government currently had such low standards as to hire someone who announced her intention to SMIZE in her government ID photo.  Listen, lady, I just do what Tyra tells me.

So I looked directly into the camera and SMIZED as hard as I could.  I kept my face unsmiling and radiated joy, warmth and humor through my eyes for a sure to be exceptional government ID photo.  Click.  "Good," said the lady behind the desk.  "Can I see it?" I asked.  She turned the monitor towards me.  "Oh.  Wow.  I look.....tired."  No response.  No offer to let me take it again.  We moved on to fingerprinting.  Tyra is so right.  You really only do get one chance. 

UPDATE: I just looked up "SMIZE" in the urban dictionary.  Apparently SMIZE has two meanings.  It means to smile with your eyes but it ALSO means "the condition of having ejaculate in one's eye, which stings like the dickens."  Oh my heavenly goodness, I do hope the nice government official lady didn't think that's what I meant by SMIZING.  She works for the government.  She's supposed to know such things.  I hope she used her context clues and gave me the benefit of the doubt. 

One word, two very different meanings.  Tyra really should do her homework before coining such phrases. 

Although, the use-it-in-a-sentence example Urban Dictionary provided did make me laugh hysterically and will continue to make me giggle for days on end: "You son of a bitch!  I'm smized!"  Oh golly, that's good.


SG said...

Oh sweet Jesus - hilarious!

D&D said...

you are unreal.