Why She'll Be Lucky If I Thank Her in My Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech

On Friday evening, around 4:30 pm, I called my mom because I wanted to tell her something. She didn't answer. I called back 15 minutes later. No answer. 30 minutes later. No answer. So I called about 5 more times that evening. No answer. She finally called me back. I answered with, "If there's ever an emergency, calling you is going to be totally worthless."

"Sorry. My phone was in my bag in my trunk because I don't take it in when I get my massage. And then I go straight to yoga. So Fridays are just really not the best time."

"So what you're saying is..."

"Don't have an emergency on a Friday."

You can't buy this kind of love, people.

Also: a 90 minute massage every Friday. My mom's life is totally hard, you guys.