Herbage: Not Just a Funny Word

A few months ago, when I was desperate to do anything but study for finals, I decided to plant a garden in the small overgrown plot by our patio. I did this because I had hours of outlining and studying to do so it made sense to drop everything and devote a weekend to a hobby I have heretofore had no interest in whatsoever. My roomie stared at me confused as I lugged in bags of soil, a medium sized shovel, a watering can, gardening tools and plants with a huge, stupid grin on my face. "What is all this?" she asked. "I'm planting a garden!" I declared, as if this made perfect sense. "Um, okay." "Listen Lauren, last week I decided I was a blogger and this week I decided I garden." "When are you going to study for finals?" "Shut up."

Since I have no gardening experience at all, I decided to start with herbs. They seemed easy enough. And practical! Think of all the money I'll save on herbs! This garden practically pays for itself. I planted basil, parsley, thyme and rosemary. I was going to also plant flowers, but never quite got around to it. By the time my interest in gardening peaked again, finals were over as was the necessity of a distracting hobby.

On a side note, does anyone know what a pain in the ass it is to dig up an overgrown garden plot? It is exhuasting! People do this every weekend for fun?! My back still hurts. And don't even get me started on the earthworms.

Anyway, either I am an extremely talented gardener, or I bought some species of mutant herbs, because these things have taken over outside. They have grown huge! HUGE! It's ridiculous. I'll never eat this much herbage. I don't think this amount of growth is normal. The dirt outside our patio must be filled with a combination of minerals and nutrients and magic fairy dust that the world has never known, producing plants of epic proportions. This is the Noah's Ark of garden plots. If we planted two of every species of vegetable in this soil, they would grow huge enough to feed the entire planet, and we'd still be in need of Tupperware.

Since it occurred to me you might think I am exaggerating, I have photographed the monstrosity outside. This might be the only documented evidence of parsley this huge so prepare yourself to be astounded. Seriously now, prepare yourself:



That is some giant motherfucking parsley, you just said to yourself. I told you.

Now get a load of the thyme and rosemary:



"Shocking!" "Unbelievable!" "Unsettling!" Dude, I know!

Which brings me to my point and the reason for this post: anyone need some parsley? I assure you it has been lovingly tended and anyone who claims it was just planted and forgotten about except when I open the blinds to exclaim over the fact that it is still growing is a liar. And it's organically grown (I think)!