It's Raining Men and I'm Not Thirsty

I recently had a very disturbing thought: there is not a single celebrity whom I would have as my boyfriend. Sure, there might be one or two I find particularly yummy, but not a single one I'd actually date. Case in point:

Justin Timberlake: Sure, he's wickedly talented and I wouldn't mind being sung to, but he's too skinny and not nearly manly enough. I don't want to have to wonder about my boyfriend which of us would shriek louder if we saw a spider, even if his shriek would be in key.

Brad Pitt: Sure, he's wickedly handsome and I admire his do-gooding ways, but good heavens, that's a lot of baggage.

Robert Pattinson: Put down the cigarette, take a shower, drink a protein shake. Then call me. After you do something about the hair.

Leo: He only dates models and I simply don't trust a man that only dates models. Also, his hotness peaked in Titanic, as did my love for him.

Zac Efron: Aw. Who's a pretty boy? Who? Who? You are. You also look like you're 16 and I am relieved that I am not attracted to you. But who's adorable? Who?

David Beckham: That body and an accent? So far, so good. But I'm a little afraid my drooling would interfere with our intimacy. Also, I cannot compete with Posh and would never try.

Ben Affleck: Yes please, but I love Jennifer Garner too much to take him. So, so big of me.

Yep, so not a one. I can't help but wonder: what chance do regular guys have if there's not a single celebrity demi-god who peaks my interest? This is very, very depressing. I'm afraid I might have to start batting for the other team if this keeps up. Look out for my next post: Celebrity Girl Crushes Formed Due To Desperation.