If You Drive a Blue Minivan With NC Plates, Please See Below

Today I drove from Philly to Atlanta to spend time with my family for a bit while I have a break between school and starting work on June 1st. After 12 hours by myself in a contained space, here is what I learned:

1) I looooooooovvvvveeee cruise control so much I think I want to marry it but I will not because your partner should bring out the best in you and cruise control, unfortunately, only heightens my laziness. I can't be the best person I can be when cruise control is involved so we will never make a long-term go of it.

When there is a car in front of you, and it becomes clear that you will soon overtake it, but there is also a car next to you, preventing you from switching lanes, and you find yourself playing a game of chicken, waiting 'til the last minute to ascertain if you will have time to quickly switch lanes before you ram into the car ahead of you simply because lifting your foot to hit the brake would just be too much effort, then you know you should break up with cruise control.

2) I think my navigation system is judging me. And possibly talking shit about me behind my back. Listen Robert, sometimes you just don't give me enough notice about that upcoming right turn and sometimes you are simply unclear. Yes, I realize you announce the upcoming turn several times before I come upon it and yes, I realize you provide a countdown to the upcoming turn in miles and then in feet on your glaring screen. Honestly, though, sometimes I am busy. Or sometimes that asshole in the minivan will not get out of my way! (Sidenote: Hey, driver of the blue minivan with North Carolina plates who was on I-85 today. Yeah, you. In case you couldn't read my lips today or missed the significance of my shaking righteous fist: you, sir, are an asshole and I do not care for you. So there!)

Anyway, Robert, don't think I can't hear the increasing disdain in your voice when you tell me several times to "make a u-turn, if possible." Is the "if possible" really necessary? At first I gave you the benefit of the doubt and assumed you meant "if safety and traffic allow," naively assuming you cared for my well-being. But now I know that "if possible" really means "if you can pull your head out of your ass long enough to manage to turn around because you missed your fucking turn again, you stupid fucking moron." I also don't appreciate the smugness with which you flash "RECALCULATING" over and over again on your screen because I missed my exit again. Seriously, the attitude is uncalled for and unnecessary. It's also rather hurtful.

I do care about your opinion, which is why I (no joke) found myself asking you out loud today if I had "done good" and if "you were happy." I'm not sure what it says about me that I seek the approval of my navigation system, but what can I say, Robert? You mean a lot to me. I depend upon you. Clearly, I have issues. Let's talk those out tomorrow on my way to my cousin's house, okay?