For Posterity's Sake...

Just a couple of things that happened this week that I haven't mentioned but do feel are significant. Feel free to skip over this, I am just noting a few random things so when I'm 80 and looking back, I remember, hey, sometimes important stuff happened too.

1) I took my last law school final on Thursday and then went out for drinks with friends to celebrate. (P.S. - 80 year old self: you really liked iced tea, lemonade and vodka mixed when you were young. You found it both yummy and refreshing. You and your friends drank four each to celebrate the end of law school, year one.) I am so relieved and happy to be done. This year was so hard and crazy and sometimes I felt it kicking my ass, but I'm so happy and content to be doing what I'm doing, living where I'm living, with the friends that I've made here. Somehow, no matter where I am, amazing friends always find me and stay with me and I'm so, so grateful. I made it through what they say is the hardest year and I never, ever have to do it again. That is by far the best part.

2) I met the newest addition to our family on Saturday, my new baby cousin who is 3 weeks old today. He is absolutely scrumptious and when I was holding him, I could flash forward to the years ahead when I will be old and tell him about when he was so, so tiny and I can't believe he was so tiny, did he know he was so tiny, and oh my goodness, did I mention how you were so tiny? I'm so proud of his mama, my cousin, and the life and family she has created. I have lots of amazing women in my family who are the types of wives and mothers and women I hope to be someday and I am so grateful for their example and so blessed to know them.

3) I cut my hair off on Friday. My hair is thick and curly and has been long for about as far back as I can remember. Now it's right above my shoulders when curly, which is a big change. It's cute, but I still have to figure out how best to wear it to maximize its cuteability.

4) I saw Joe's mom and dad this past weekend for the first time since Joe and I broke up. I realize we have had a very dysfunctional break-up seeing as how we still visit each other and talk regularly, but for all intents and purposes, we are still broken up, even though I'm sure it seems like we're not or that I've forgotten we are. We are and I haven't.

After we broke up, I sent Joe's mom a letter (with Joe's blessing) thanking her for being so welcoming to me and being so good to me. She was a big part of my life too while I was dating Joe and it didn't feel right to just walk out of Joe's life and not acknowledge her in any way or say good-bye. Granted, at the time, I didn't realize how quickly Joe and I would be back in each other's lives as friends, so it felt very appropriate to send her that letter. When I saw her this weekend, she gave me a big hug, thanked me for my letter, and while dabbing her eyes told me that "when you make these kinds of decisions, it doesn't just affect the two of you, you know." Ripping my heart out, Judy!

It was a good reminder though. Joe and I were together for 7 years so we weren't just ending a relationship and walking away from the past. We were also walking away from the future we had planned for ourselves, which included joining each other's families. This is still the part that hurts the most. The kids we had named and that dream house we had stayed up at night talking about and the shared life we had envisioned - none of it is going to happen. Giving up that dream is as painful as giving up the man and I'm still dealing with it. For the most part I'm okay, but I am still mourning the what could have been. And I'm not anywhere near ready to stick another guy in the dream and keep on going.