I'm Probably Going To Do It Anyway

I am very firmly, positively, definitively anti-cat.  I don't trust them.  They stare at you, watching you cross a room with no expression, slowly (some might even say maniacally) swirling their tail around in the air, which is pretty much exactly what you do when you're plotting someone's death.  It's totally thinking about whether it would be easier to run across your path to trip you or whether it should just curl up over your face while you sleep.  And when you're relaxing on the couch and it suddenly jumps up behind you scaring the shit out of you?  Well, it totally did that on purpose.  I'm pretty sure if it didn't count on you to feed and water it and it didn't so enjoy watching you suffer the indignity of scooping its poop, it totally wouldn't think twice about going through with it.  So, yeah, I'm not a cat person. 

But here's the deal.  I live alone now and it's kind of lonely and my apartment doesn't allow dogs.  And cats are  pretty low-maintenance.  Maybe I can ask for one that most likely won't plot my death?  Are those available?  Maybe one that's affectionate and friendly and scoops its own poop?  One that doesn't scratch or claw or pee outside the litter box or shed or stare at me uncomfortably and won't destroy my upholstery?  And is pretty.  It should definitely be pretty.  I at least want something cute to look at while my impending doom is being planned. 

I really shouldn't be allowed to have a pet.