Dear Almost Every Coffee Shop In the World That Serves Bagels,

I realize there are much larger problems in the world, however, I would be willing to pay up to $0.25 extra if you would just put the cream cheese on the bagel for me.  I mean, really, if I wanted to smear it on myself, I would just make it at home.  It makes no sense.  If one orders a bagel buttered, you butter it for them.  But I order cream cheese and I have to do it myself?  That's cream cheese discrimination. 

I like when the bagel is toasty hot and the cream cheese kind of melts into the toasty goodness and then you pile more solid cream cheese on top.  By the time I get the bagel to my destination, it is merely warm, no longer toasty hot, and the cream cheese doesn't melt.  Why must you deprive me of one of life's great pleasures?  Not to mention the annoyance of getting cream cheese residue all over my fingers in my amateur attempts to spread cold, hard cream cheese with a weak plastic butter knife not up for the task.  It makes no sense, I tell you.

Additionally, if you put it on for me then I have no need to feel guilt or be restrained about the amount of my cream cheese usage.  I can just be all "Whoa, that's a lot of cream cheese.  Oh, well, what can you do?" 

Kind of like when Starbucks puts whipped cream on my frappucino even when I ask them not to.  "Ah, well, obviously it's fated that I have whipped cream today.  I told them not to and they did it anyway.  This is clearly beyond my control and meant to be."

In closing, it's rare that I allow myself to indulge in these calorie-filled and delicious treats, so when I do, I expect it to live up to expectations.  You have an opportunity here to make the world a better place.  Do not disappoint me.

Thank you for your time.

Lovingly,
Christina