Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Suck

I have nothing to say to strangers. I'm not good at small talk. In fact, putting me in a room alone with strangers is pretty much the most horrifying thing that could ever happen. Which is why I would like to pull the person who invented the "mixer" by the hair down a bumpy road full of sharp rocks. First of all, it's a horrifying concept. Second of all, you took a wonderful word that brings to mind cocktails and whipping together pastry batter and made it evil.

Last week, I attended a panel discussion of lawyers who practice in a field I'm interested in. There was a reception afterwards so we could all, you know, mix. Except I suck at mixing. I especially suck at walking up to someone who I would love to work for, learn from, and generally follow around and tell them so to their faces. Usually, I just stand near the person I want to talk to, nodding in agreement and laughing in all the right places, while the person next to me does the talking. I try to jump in occasionally with something, but my question is usually promptly and directly answered and then I have no follow-up. The person I'm supposed to be impressing will usually look at me as if to say "anything else?" and I just smile and then mumble something about how good the hors d’oeuvres are. I got nothing. Unless you'd like to hear an anecdote about my first period? No? You sure? More hors d’oeuvres? I'll get them. You stay so you can keep talking to my fellow classmate who you will probably hire.

Honestly, can we cut the bullshit? Here is how I would like a mixer to go down:

Lawyer: Hi, I'm hiring.

Me: Here's my resume.

Lawyer: You're hired.

Me: Thank you. I have nothing to say about my period.

Lawyer: I appreciate that. These hors d’oeuvres are good.

Me: Totally.

The end.


D&D said...

i think you're good at small talk.
mention that you're from texas! they'll find that hilarious!

saclutter said...

OMG, you crack me up 100% of the time! Miss you!