I Had a Rough Night

I went to bed at 12:30 last night and fell quickly blissfully asleep burrowed under my cozy down comforter surrounded by five pillows, all of which I need. I like to be surrounded by soft comfort on all sides. Then I woke up. To my right knee throbbing. This has happened before. Only this time, it was worse. So, so worse. The entire right side of my left knee felt like someone had put my leg in a vise of some sort and then cranked it abruptly and painfully to the right, twisting and contorting my knee into positions no knee should go. I looked at the clock. 4:00 am. This is no good, I thought. Also: ouch.

I lay on my back with my eyes closed, wondering what happened and trying to fall back asleep. No good. I decided I had to go to the bathroom so I sat up and my knee only reluctantly accepted weight. I limped to the bathroom. On the way I saw that there was a light on in the main part of the apartment. Curious. I know for sure I turned all the lights off. I got a little scared because roomie Lauren was not home last night so it couldn't have been her. But I decided to pee before going to check it out so at least if I was about to be killed I could be spared the indignity of peeing myself in the process. I knew I would not be able to save myself since I couldn't run. It was all starting to add up. Conspiracy.

As I sat and cherished these last moments of life, I started to wonder if I had left on a light. No, I was sure I hadn't. Then I suddenly remembered that hours before, when I was brushing my teeth with the bathroom door open, I had spotted movement out of the corner of my eye and discovered a little roly-poly bug chugging along the carpet in the hallway. I like roly-poly bugs. They're one of the fun bugs of childhood, right behind lightening bugs, because if you touch them with your finger, they curl in a ball and you can roll them. Oh, it's hours of fun. Although, I never understood why that was an effective defense. Seems to me they're just making themselves bite-sized. But that's neither here nor there. So, relieved that the bug wasn't a spider I would have to kill (spiders are NOT fun bugs), I picked up the little roly-poly bug and carried him through the apartment and placed him outside. I must have turned a light on in the process. Mystery solved. I limped to the kitchen and turned out the light.

Back in bed, I tried to turn over and get comfortable. I like to sleep on my tummy with one leg straight and the other curled up. I have created an artist's rendering for your benefit:

I am a very talented artist. Anyway, that position made my knee hurt like hell and suddenly, laying on my stomach, I started feeling little waves of nausea which were progressively getting bigger. I turned over. That helped. Only I cannot, have not, will never be able to fall asleep on my back. Problematic. Every other position put some sort of weight or pressure on my knee or was making me nauseous. I don't know what was up with that. I was afraid I was going to throw up. And kneeling to do so was really going to hurt my knee. It's pretty much the worst combination of symptoms possible if you think about it. So I lay on my back, falling in and out of half-sleep, having a stream of consciousness conversation with myself that went like this:

"My knee hurts. I'm nauseous. I need to go to sleep. This sucks. I'm glad that roly-poly bug was not a spider. I hate spiders. Remember that Discovery channel documentary you saw that said that you are never, no matter what, more than three feet away from a spider at any given time? I wonder where one is now. I wonder if one is on me. [Shudders] I need to fall asleep. Sleep now. Sleep please. I'm not falling asleep. Now my wrist kinda hurts. Why does my wrist hurt? I'm laying on it. Why am I laying on my wrist? This night will not end. Sleep. Spiders. Wrist. Knee. Nauseous. Why am I nauseous? Maybe I'm not eating enough. That doesn't make any sense. Obviously if I throw up there will be nothing left in my stomach for nourishment. Surely my body knows that. I'm not making any sense. Ow, my knee. This sucks."

And so on for quite some time. Eventually I had to turn over on my side and prop my knee on a pillow and ignore the throbbing and I eventually fell asleep.

Now, my knee still hurts, I can't bend it. And there is a persistent mild nausea which will not go away. Also, did you know that you are never more than three feet away from a spider? Honestly, isn't that terrifying? I think about that all the time. Also, my knee really hurts.